Too Much, Too Soon: What I Wish I'd Known When I First Started Dating

An Introduction to How Romance Works

Romance is such a compelling part of human existence that emotionally, it can be credited with some of our highest highs and lowest lows. It can uplift or depress us, motivate or discourage us. I think the reason for this is simple: without that strong, miraculous hope that we experience when we first fall for someone, we might not have the courage to do any of the things that ultimately lead to love and fulfillment. When that hope fails, and it usually does (that’s part of the journey I’m afraid), the natural and obvious consequence is deep disappointment. This disappointment is discouraging, but it helps us learn and grow. It teaches us important things about love and prepares us for the next opportunity.

So, trusting in that hope again and again while tempering it with a bit of perspective is a healthy way to approach dating. Seeing that hope in someone else and letting it spark a bit of hope in you is also healthy and normal. It’s also normal for things to go wrong, but learning from the things that go wrong can help us to be more understanding and a bit more comfortable with the way these feelings work. Here are two mistakes I’ve both observed and experienced, and though they’re really two sides of a single situation, I’m splitting the situation into two parts. My two cents, if you will.

First Cent: Why It’s Wrong to Express Strong Romantic Feelings Too Soon

The first mistake is a common one to budding relationships: too much, too soon.

It’s a phrase saved for those times when you fall for someone quickly and suddenly, and then forget to hold yourself back a bit so you can try to examine those feelings. Perhaps you say “I love you” on a first date, or try to hold hands right away, or start talking about a future together when the friendship’s still new and tentative. The truth is, it’s difficult to keep these feelings in perspective. Strong and sudden emotions make it hard to remember that courtship takes time and that you wouldn’t want to rob a potential relationship of its power by rushing into it. In the heat of the moment it seems worth it to risk the awkwardness of a rejection, and even though the feelings came on fast, it’s always hard to imagine that they can change just as quickly.

It takes time to figure these things out, because until we learn through painful experience what these feelings are and how to respond appropriately to them, we likely have had our share of awkward half-romances that ended badly. The truly unfortunate have to learn by dealing with the aftermath of a relationship that was “too much, too soon” on both sides, and ended up failing because it had no solid foundation. It isn’t “childish” or “crazy” to respond to feelings of love in this way, and it certainly isn’t “creepy” or “weird.” It’s part of the learning process we all have to endure at some point, and just because some people figure it out when they’re young doesn’t mean others can’t make important strides in this area later in life. There’s no shame in that, or there shouldn’t be.

Second Cent: Why It’s Wrong to Judge Too Soon

Unfortunately, our response to “too much, too soon” is not always very graceful. Obviously the right answer to an unwanted romantic overture is “no,” but there’s a world of difference between a polite rejection and a condescending one. You don’t need to shame the person. You don’t need to act like this attempt at romance is unnatural or abnormal. Even if it’s inappropriate or persistent and you need to make your “no” as firm and unflinching as possible, you can still give your friend the benefit of the doubt. You can assume that at least he (or she) was trying to be honest with you about these feelings. You can be understanding, even tolerant, and try to ease the pain and shame of rejection a bit by offering your friendship and support, or by showing appreciation for what is at least a flattering compliment.

I can’t tell you what the appropriate response might be in your specific case (see this article for help), but here’s my one big don’t. Don’t slap a label on. “Creepy,” “crazy,” and “weird” are far too often the words we use when we don’t understand or we refuse to empathize. There’s no excuse for that. We’ve all been there. Until and unless the behavior turns into harassment, most of the labels we use are simply unfair, and certainly harmful.

This continues to be true when there’s a social or emotional disorder in play. People with autism-spectrum disorders need loving relationships as much as anyone, and experience love as strongly as anyone. If expressing it and receiving it are complicated by a disorder like this, that complication doesn’t change the nature of the request and the need for tolerance and compassion in return. If anything, people who suffer from a disorder that makes their behavior seem erratic or abnormal need, more than anyone, to feel that their emotions are valid and normal. They suffer the most when it comes to condescension and misunderstanding, and opening up to someone about feelings like this is when everyone, autistic or not, is at their most vulnerable.

Love makes fools of all of us. The gap between what we want and what we have is so large at times that we get desperate, and desperation is an unkind master. As such, I think we can all be a bit more understanding and careful in how we respond to a well-meaning plea for the one thing we all want out of life. We’re all on the same path here. We’re all trying to get to the same place. We shouldn’t cling to differences by shoving away the people who make us feel uncomfortable instead of trying to understand them.

In Conclusion

I wrote this piece because I’ve been on both sides of this problem. I might not have chosen to write about it, it’s a painful topic, but when I looked for resources to help me I couldn’t find anything that didn’t feel condescending. I think the truth of the matter is that when it comes to social norms, we sort of expect everyone to know what’s going on. We get embarrassed having to explain what’s normal and expected, and we get even more embarrassed when we have to ask. I can’t change that fact, but I can offer the explanation that would have helped me when I was first starting to date and didn’t know what to expect.

When it comes to romance, we’re all ad-libbing to some extent. We have expectations, usually really high ones, but we keep them so deep inside us that miscommunications are inevitable. Our fondest hopes, our most personal dreams… I suppose if we shared them with everyone, they’d lose some of their magic and allure. Let’s not confuse discretion with shame, however. We should never have to feel ashamed of these feelings, no matter how personal they are, no matter how clumsily we end up expressing them. The point of the whole romantic scene is to put our hearts out there, to risk ourselves in a gamble so horrible that the only reason we keep doing it is because we’ve seen, time and again, that the end result is worth it. When it finally works, when two hearts click together and make a whole, it’s more than life-changing; it’s life-evolving.

So, whatever you do, and whatever happens, the best advice I can give is whatever advice will help you keep trying.

Divorce Is Not the End

Allow me to contradict myself right away... divorce is the end, at least of some things. Most notably, a marriage. Whatever you might think of your former spouse, that's an ending, a loss, and after a great loss it's easy to focus on that loss, to indulge in a bit of self-pity. What better time for it, really? 

It’s tempting, it’s even easy to justify, but with this attitude you’ll always find more reasons to be miserable. When you start to focus elsewhere, on the blessings you've maintained and that can't be taken away from you, that's when healing can truly start. So, here's my list of things that don't end just because you've experienced a divorce:

1. It's not the end of your chances for a good marriage.

We hear the statistics all the time. I won't quote them to you, but I'll gladly tell you the thoughts that were running through my mind as the reality of my own divorce settled in. I thought about people I knew, people close to me, who experienced one nasty divorce after another. That scared me.

At the time I couldn't imagine a worse fate, and it's that kind of thinking that can rush you into another relationship as you try to answer that fear. It's also that kind of fear that can sap your desire to start dating again at all. A divorce sometimes feels like a brand, one that will hamper your chances for attracting a mate and then hamper your chances for keeping her/him.

You can't let that fear control you though. Try to forget all the ways your marriage went wrong, and remember the reasons you wanted to get married in the first place. I promise you, it wasn't and never will be wrong to try and start a family; marriage is a good and noble goal, a laudable one. If we could pick which efforts in our lives ended up succeeding and which ones ended up failing, I doubt any of us would choose our marriage or our parenthood for the chopping block.

If you have to fail at something, though, I suspect I'd rather be part of a failed marriage than part of a failed Ponzi scheme. It isn't the failure that makes a thing wrong, so don't regret having tried to do something good just because it blew up in your face. Don't let failures define you and your future efforts. You have just as good a chance at a successful marriage as anyone if you learn from past mistakes, let go of past failures, and understand the difference between the two.

2. It's not the end of family.

However your divorce turned out, you ended up losing some family. You'll miss them, and you might wonder if it would have been better never to have had them in your life.

Still, you had a family before that one, and that hasn't changed. Just because one love that was supposed to last forever didn't, doesn't mean that the love of your parents, the love of your siblings, the love of your friends, your co-workers, and everyone else who cares about you is going anywhere. When one relationship shatters, it can actually strengthen the relationships you have with your family and friends, if you let it.

I once thought a lot about the possibility that my divorce would give friends and family close to me an excuse to start thinking about divorce as an option for their own marriages. That's a dangerous way of thinking, not only because it's simply a shame-motivated excuse to avoid loved ones, but also because it's kind of self-centered.

Statistically, yes, one couple getting a divorce increases the chances of divorce for other couples in their social group, but your friends and family aren't the statistical average (if they are, I apologize). Their marriages will rise or fall on their own merits; if they choose to use your divorce as a catalyst for their own, there were bigger issues there to begin with. Honestly, you'll strengthen your friends and family more by letting them be there for you than you would by insisting on privacy while you bathe in the cesspool of your own misery.

3. It's not the end of dreams.

Divorce is the ultimate wrench in your efforts to plan for your future. Before, all your dreams were shared. Now, all of a sudden they're not. It's like they all have big, gaping holes in them. This might be an excuse to discard a few of them in exchange for newer, better ones. Or, it might be a reason to start really focusing on a goal or dream that you've been putting off in deference to your former spouse and his dreams, or her dreams. It might be time to try something you're afraid of, or something that challenges you on a deep and meaningful level. 

Only you can know what that would be. For me, it was to drop out of my online graduate program and start applying to some new programs, ones where I could actually be in a classroom and learn through teaching the subject. That's my dream, now revitalized and refreshed because suddenly, it's more possible, more doable. And, in a way, I need it more. 

On that note, it's important to realize that old dreams don't have to die, even if you have to change them a bit. You don't have to throw away your entire set of life plans to face this new challenge. If anything, this new challenge might give you the strength and presence of mind you need to take those plans more seriously, to focus on them with more clarity. It's up to you really, but take your time. Divorce can challenge your very identity, so do some pondering and prayer before you run off and join the circus. 

4. It's not the end of happiness.

This is important, even though it's kind of obvious until you're actually there. Divorce challenges your most basic assumptions about who you are and what matters most to you. It really does feel like a rug being swept out from under your feet; someone you relied on for support is suddenly gone, and even if they weren't much a support to begin with, that hurts. 

You can find yourself thinking about things that upbeat regular you might not think about. You might find yourself with less energy than normal, less desire to do things. You might even find yourself lashing out, and then, of course, regretting it. These are normal, and human. They're understandable responses to a depressing situation. 

Divorce is depressing. Just thinking about it is depressing, actually, so it's important to get busy and get doing things, to fill your life with work and play and friendships and service and any good thing to replace the moping and self-pitying you'd otherwise fill your time with. This won't make the pain go away, but it'll fill your life with other feelings that broaden your emotional experience and keep you from focusing overly much on the sad stuff. 

Most importantly, be patient with yourself. You need time. Your loved ones will give it to you, God will give it to you, and you need it give it to you too. Time to mourn, to sorrow, to adjust to this great shift in the way your life is lived. You'll hope again. You'll smile again, and mean it. In fact, keep forcing those smiles until you do, and keep crying for pain until you don't have to anymore. Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel, and that is fine. Feel away. 

5. It's not the end of God's hand in your life. 

I don't expect everyone who reads this blog to be religious. In fact, if you aren't religious I hope you'll keep reading anyway, even if this part doesn't matter to you. It matters to me, and it might matter to many people you know who have to go through a divorce too. 

Divorce can challenge your spirituality, your relationship with God. If you've ever thanked God for your spouse and your marriage, you can see why this would be the case. We attribute all our blessings to Him, and when something like a divorce happens it's easy to question why God would withdraw such an important blessing as a marriage, something He generally approves of. 

I can't answer that question for you, any more than Job's friends could answer his questions for him. If you trust Him though, I can promise you that He'll help you find answers. It will take time. It might be years from now before you start to understand why a divorce of all things was important in God's plan for your life, what fruits ultimately came from it. 

As Job or Moses or Moroni or Christ Himself could tell you, bad things sometimes happen to good people. I think they'd also tell you, though, that God can make good things come from even the worst things that happen to us. He can even make good things come from our mistakes, and the mistakes of others, if we have the faith to see our trials through and put those mistakes behind us. Learning to forgive, not just a former spouse but a former self, is an important part of life as a disciple of Christ. We have to trust in His power to make up the difference. 

If I had to choose just one piece of advice for recent divorcees, I'd say pour yourself out in prayer to God. You need to say it, and He wants to hear it. He wants to help you, and He can do that through the special experiences He gives His children during prayer. Any trial you have to endure will go much more smoothly if you keep praying fervently throughout the experience. Prayer opens channels to God's power that can comfort the human soul like no other. 

In conclusion, I'd just like to say that hope is your ally. Without it the future is dreary, but with it life becomes brighter, more worth living. Some hopes fail, some dreams crumble to dust, but keep that feeling of hope alive. A positive attitude is to the mind what water is to the body. So turn those endings into beginnings, and don't ever, ever lose hope. Divorce is not, or at least it shouldn't be, the end of hope.